Mirrors
by chuchiwan
Summary: He had been wondering in the nothing so long he had lost himself... when he comes back, will the one he cared about the most be the same? or is it better to just fade with time?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello~ this is my first time trying to writ sad stuff... and i've never actually read a jeanmarco so there may be a bit of OCC-ness... it would help with the emotion if you listened to the song i made this after**

**Mirrors by Slot. it's really good a perfect for JeanMarco! okay... i'll shut up and let you read.**

**i do not own Shingeki No Kyojin... if i did you know Marco you be alive and the titans would be super kuwaii **

**Mirrors **

I don't remember when I got there….

When I first registered that I was walking, I couldn't even remember my own name….

I blinked and looked around me as I continued walking, a thick fog covered the seemingly endless place. nothing but the fog, a grey sky, and me for what looked like miles. I was scared. My legs were numb from walking, but I thought 'Maybe, if I could find someone… _anyone _, they could tell me where I am and who I am…' I walked for what felt like years, until my legs finally gave out on me and I fell to my knees.

I looked up at the sky, I felt like giving up… it hurt to move… and I didn't see any reason anymore…

I let out a small laugh… it didn't sound like it came from me… of course, I didn't really remember much about myself. I pushed myself back unto my feet, they quivered from the strain and I stumbled, but I kept on going… I had to… because I had to find him- 'Who?' my subconscious asked and I scrunched my eyebrows together and tried again to remember anything that would help me remember…

But everything was gone. And I was alone.

That was when I herd it, and the right side of my body ached as the male's voice hit me with such a strong wind it parted the fog around me. Yet it was a whisper…

"Marco…" The voice said and I hissed and held the right side of my face.. It felt wired… I was touching it… but I felt nothing… I decided it wasn't important at the moment. I was more urgent to follow the clearing the voice had made. I followed it until the fog in closed it again, but it had been enough. I cloud see a figure in the distance, I ran. I knew I wouldn't be able to walk once I stopped, but I felt relief… I had found someone… who would be able to help me.

But I felt all hope die inside of me as I dew closer and found that it was just a plain mirror. Standing straight on it's own accord. I looked into it and that's when I felt the fear from before hit me, much harder this time. I stared at the empty mirror- the one thing I wanted to do was to see myself, I wanted to know… who I was.

"Marco…"

I looked around, that man… his voice went right through me, and yet. I was glade it was calling out to me… I looked down at my left hand and saw blood. "is… this mine?" I asked to myself. Then I looked back up to the mirror. It was still empty. "am… I… Marco?" as if it was an answer, the voice called again.

"Marco…"

I sat on my legs and stared at the mirror. I had a feeling I knew why I was here but I didn't like it. "I'm alive…" I told myself. The thought of this being purgatory was very unsettling and I knew I needed to stay calm. I reached over with my left arm to the right side of my face, it was sensitive but not as painful as before, I pulled my hand back and looked at it. Fresh blood covered my pale skin and ran down my arm and into my jacket and white sleeved shirt.

"Marco…?"

I looked up, and realized the voice was coming from the mirror and when I looked in I saw myself for the first time.

My whole right side from the waist up was gone. Ribs were jagged, my right arm was gone… and my face…

I reached out at touched the reflection of the corps who's hand came up to meet mine. 'no… this isn't me… I'm alive! I have to be… for…' "Jean." I whispered and lowered my hand. I could remember him a little. He was the leader of… something. And I admired him quite a bit.

"Marco…?" I looked up from my cup as Jean walked up with a plate of food and sat next to me at the table. I smile at him, though I knew it wasn't real, I didn't want to upset him or make him worry over nothing. "Good morning! Did the swelling go down on your leg?" Jean looked down at his bandaged lag then waved it off, taking a big bite of potato, "It's nothing. Krista just bandaged it up because she's a worry-wart…"

I laughed and shook my head "Jean, you really should finish chewing your food before you talk." he swallowed and a blush came to his cheeks "W-Whatever… anyway, where's your plate?" I looked down at my cup and smiled sadly "I'm not hungry." Jean faced fully to me and patted me on the back awkwardly "Hey… we both know not everyone will make it each time we go out there to face them…you couldn't have saved her without dying for in her place. Promise me you won't leave me… I-I mean the squad! And also… promise me you won't… die on me, okay? " I looked up at him and he looked back with a stern expression.

I sighed "I promise. And I know all that… but it's different seeing one of our follow scouts being ate then just hearing about it…" the table the two of us shared was silent as the other scouts jabbered on with their conversations around us. I was about to change the subject when Jean put his potato against my mouth. I looked at him confused and he looked back determined "Eat it. You need to eat or you won't be at your best today." I smiled and opened my mouth, taking the offered food. Jean's figures brushed a crossed my lips as the last of the potato went in my mouth, he blushed and pulled his hand away.

I was happy… because I could be by his side… Jean.

I felt tears roll down my cheeks, I couldn't look at the person in the mirror anymore. Out of the hole where their eye use to be, blood spilled, and out of their single eye bitter tears fell. No. that person was not me…I told myself that I wasn't bitter about my death, but I was lying.

I punched the mirror and cracks appeared, my blood slide down from my fist to glass and I let myself be lost in grief.

"Jean…" I cried loud out and let all the pain I had hidden to the surface. "Jean… I never told you…I…."

I woke up and looked around, I was in my room, with a sigh I got up. Another weird dream… I had been having dreams like that ever sense I could remember… but that was the first time that 'Marco' guy had actually seen himself. And said my name…

In my usual dreams he would just walk… staring at the ground -kinda like a zombie- and I would follow him, I tried talking to him for many years, but he never seemed to come out of his trance… that is until that night. I wondered what the next dream would be, now that he was 'awake'… I got up and got dressed and headed out of my apartment. I was a bit annoyed going into work on a Saturday, but I had to, some guy with a bullet in his chest was needing a surgery. It just so happened that I lived close to the hospital I work at, and I was a surgeon that wasn't busy.

I pulled my BMW out of the parking structure of the apartments and groaned when I found the road I usually took to get to work traffic filled. and a some asshole honked at me for no god damn reason! So far… I wasn't in a good mood that day… as I sat in traffic I thought about Marco… I felt bad for the guy… sure when I was a kid I use to be scared of him.. Thought he was a nightmare monster… but..

'Jean… I never told you…I..' I thought about those last words he said before I woke up… I wished I knew what he was about to say, but I also knew weather I knew or not didn't matter. Because at the end of each dream, I would remind myself that Marco was something like a imaginary friend that only appeared in my dreams… or whatever… I don't really know how to explain stuff like that….

I eventually reached the hospital. I went straight to the ER section of the building and Krista, one of the nurses, walked with me to the surgical gear where I quickly cleaned up and put on a mask , rubber gloves and the standard blue gown to protected my clothes. She filled me in on the details as I did so "Dita Ness. 51 years old, got shot well crossing the street." I finished and turned to her "Did they ever find the people who did this?" Krista looked down and shook her head "Not yet… the police think it might have been just a couple of teenagers out for a joy ride…it's horrifying that that is considered normal these days…"

She was right, I had no faith in youth anymore… this world was so violent… that's one of the reasons I became a surgeon. I wanted to save people… and every night, when I would dream about Marco… I wanted to save his life… he was bleeding… I wanted to bandage his wounds… I stopped at the door to the operation room and ran those thought through my head again…no… I mean, yes I did want to help him… but he was only in my dreams…nothing more… that may sound a little cliché angsty but whatever… it was the truth.

The surgery was successful. Dita would need awhile to recover, but he would be fine. I went to the store and picked up a box of mac 'n cheese, some pears, and a pack of beer. I paid of it and went home, I lived alone so I made myself half the box of macaroni and cheese and I ate that with a beer… yep… the life a bachelor surgeon… I took out my phone and texted Connie to see if he wanted to hang out but him and Sasha were on their way to the airport, they apparently were going to Europe for a foodie trip. I told him to have fun and make sure him and Sasha didn't gain fifty pound or something while on their trip.

The time was then eleven P.M so I decided I might as well go to sleep and hand out with Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and Levi the next day… as I undressed and climbed into bed I felt a bit worried what I might dream that night.

I was cold…. The fog had gone away, and stone ground was reviled. I stared down at it well I started up walking again, I think I had cried myself dry by that point, and wondered what I had done to deserve this endless land of woe… but my heart fluttered as I herd from not very far away…

"Marco?"

I turned tours the voice and smiled hoping that it was him… "Jean?" I stopped walking and listen for him my chest fluttered… I could tell… Jean was with me.. I didn't hear a response so I just started talking… "Jean, I'm sorry… I promised you I wouldn't leave you… that I wouldn't…. Get caught… but I did.." I felt the hole where my right arm use to be…. Still bleeding….every rip, scratch and bruise felt fresh … "Jean? How long have I been here? How is everyone?… are you alright? … heh. I bet you and Eren are fighting more now that I don't calm you down…"

I felt so lonely… and I could feel new tears -that I didn't even know I had left- start to roll down my cheeks. I felt useless… I felt like an unmarked grave… forgotten… if Jean was really there he would probably freak out and try and comfort me, I never cried in front of him before... "Jean… please… say something…" I felt my hand being tugged by an invisible force and I let it pull me… my hand felt warm, and I smile. It had to be Jean.

I let it pull me for a long time, until we reached the cracked mirror covered in my own blood, and the grip on my hand disappeared… I looked at my reflection, the corps frowned back at me. I didn't want to see that frowning mangled body ever again, it wasn't me… "I'm alive…" I told myself again, and punched the mirror again… this time it shattered.

I woke up, It was around three in the morning… I had woken up because my stomach was doing uncomfortable lurches. In the dream I had yelled right in his damn face… but he still couldn't hear me. It was frustrating, and I tried thinking of something else to get my mind off it when suddenly I heard a crash from the kitchen "What the fuck?" it was probably just my weird neighbor, Zoë. She picked the lock to my apartment sometimes just to ask me if she could barrow some salt. But this was a bit different, she never came this late at night…

Grabbing my bat, I wearily went out to investigate. It was quiet so I crept through the dark to not alert the intruder of my presents. There was a sound from the kitchen and I held the bat tighter. I'm not much of a fighter but I'm clever enough to fight back if need be. I flipped the lights on and looked around quickly… no burglar…the macaroni and cheese box laid on its side. I guessed that it just fell off the counter. That is… until I saw the figure standing by the mess, I nearly choked on my own tongue.

"Marco!?"

**Continue? :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello~ it certainly has been a while on this story (oopse) but i'm back baby!**

**hope you like **

**Mirrors **

This had to be another dream, the bloody figure from my dreams stumbled, then slumped against the counter. I was frozen, dropping the bat from my trembling hands. I-it just couldn't be what it appeared to be. Quickly, my body regained some composure and I hurried over to him, but to my surprise, the bleeding had stopped, his open chest heaved up and down slowly…how could he be alive with that much of him missing? Again I told myself that this was just a dream. It only made sense if it was.

I carefully lifted his face, tears were sliding down steadily down from his closed eye over his freckled cheeks and I guessed he had passed out from exhaustion and pain. 'Should I call 911?' my mind offered and I shook it away, this was just a nightmare. When I wake up in the morning there will be no almost dead guy in my kitchen. Even if it was a dream though, I couldn't just leave him there… it didn't feel right. So I slowly pulled off his jacket and the weird straps with some kind of metal tins on either hip.

I went to pull him up onto my back but he was a lot heavier than he look, ehh… I stared down at him for a moment then lifted him into my arms and he rested on my chest, a bit awkwardly I walked into the living room while trying to keep him up, then as best as I could, I placed him down on the couch gently. He didn't show any signs of the move hurting him, so I guessed that was good enough… "Who are you?" I wondered out loud before shaking my head and turning to go back to bed.

"Jean…" I called, when I had shattered the mirror I hadn't thought this was going to happen….darkness had quickly shot out of the hole the mirror had been covering like black ink into water, and now I found myself missing the white emptiness. But I felt warmer, if that counted as something.

No anything, no nothing, not even myself, I had lifted my hand in front of my face, but only the dark was visible. Was it possible I had made it? Was this the after life? I didn't remember if I had been a religious person or not, so maybe I had been expecting this… but I voice in my head nudged on 'there's got to be something else' and I laughed brokenly and asked the voice out loud "Should I break another mirror?"

But of course, there was no answer. With a sigh I closed my eye (nothing different from having it open) and told myself to go to sleep, sleep would bring with it something… anything… I hoped.

Birds chirping . My eye flew open but I had to close it again because it was too bright. The sun was shinning, the sun existed! I didn't care about the brightness, I open my eye again and looked around me, I was in a strange room… there was a black square on a small cupboard full of slender books, hardwood floor, white walls with paintings of people… people that were oddly familiar.

But the thing that I found my eye locking on was the double doors in front of me, they were glass and it looked like they led to a plat form in the sky. I disregarded my legs that were weak and trembled when I threw them over the side of the soft long chair, when I opened the door a warm breeze ruffled my hair and cloths and I took in the seemingly different world from the one in the few memories I had. Huge buildings, everywhere. And I gulped when I looked over the railing, the people were ants from where I was and odd machines made loud noises…

"W-…Where am I?"

I groaned as sunlight seeped through the curtains and landed right on my eyelids… c'mon. it was Sunday! But now that it had woken me up there was no way I was going back to sleep. So, with another groan of frustration, I sat up and stretched my back. I remembered the weirder than normal dream and sat there for a moment thinking about it… was the next one going to be Marco dying? The end to the string of dream?… was that a good thing? I had no idea… I had never dreamed of anything else…where would Marco go? I slapped the side of my face and stood up, picking a white button down shirt up and throwing it on real quick.

He wouldn't _go _anywhere… he simply disappear. I stopped in the middle of my search for clean pants, my eyebrows scrunched together. Why did that thought bother me so much? I shook it off and finished getting dressed with a pair of lose black jeans. And headed out into the kitchen, I opened the fridge and grabbed the milk out, intent on making myself a bowl of cereal. But as I shuffled over to the cup board lazily, I step on something crunchy… the…macaroni and cheese box lay on the tile floor.

No… there was no way that had happen… but… I sat the milk on the counter and rushed into the living room. I half expected to find a dead guy sprawled out on the coach -That would be horrible. Not only would I feel guilty, I would most likely go to jail and have my medical degree terminated for poor medical practice or something- but I came to a halt in front of the coach. Nothing. No corpse. No Marco.

I held the fabric of my shirt as I tried to slow down my racing heart. Relief washed over me and I chuckled lightly over my own stupidity. Things from dreams don't manifest like that, where had my common sense gone? Maybe I should get out for a while… yeah. I thought as I sat down on the coach on pulled out my phone and text Eren 'hey I'm not busy today so I'll relief you of your boredom if you want' the reply had been almost instant but with a phone call. I rolled my eye -having calmed down from the adrenaline rush- and answered "Yeager. Why couldn't you answer a text with a text?" "My hands are full! Me and Levi- Oh… he says 'he's not here'- anyway, me and _someone_ just picked up our order at McDonalds."

I burst out laughing to the point that my sides hurt "Hey! What's so funny!?" he sounded irritated but that just made it more funny. I wiped a tear away and stared up at the ceiling "You cheep-ass, do you always take you're dates to fast-food places?" I pulled the phone away from my face as Eren yelled "IT'S NOT A FUCKING DATE!" Eren was Levi's assistant when it came to he's dealings in real estate, but outside of work they had formed some sort of weird relationship.

Over the line I could hear Eren embarrassedly tell Levi something, so I carried on "Whatever you say. So, after you're done with whatever it is you _**do**_with Levi- you wanna hang out?" Eren huffed, trying to calm himself down before responding a bit annoyed "Sure… whatever. But you can't come over unless you bring a good Xbox game-not that shit you brought over last time." I rolled my eyes again and looked over when I felt a cold breeze… huh. The doors to my balcony was slightly open…

With a grunt I stood up to close it "Yeah, Yeah. You and you're picky taste, It's a wonder Levi can stand you… then again, he's picky too…" I reached it and was about to close it…. That's when I saw him. Eren had yelled "Don't you dare start on that again or I'll kill you!" but I had barely heard it as I hide from the glass before I saw what he looked like, a break in? in the day time? "Eren… I think someone's trying to break in. I'll call you later." I heard him say "Are you serious!? You're just joking, right?" but I hung up on him.

What do I do? Call the police? Yeah, that's what any sane person would do. I lifted my phone back up but then another thought hit me. What if it was Marco? Pifft. As if. Didn't I just tell myself how ludicrous that idea was? But… I guess I should take peek. You know, so I can tell the police what the vandal looks like. I poked my head over the edge of the glass to get a look and I instantly recognized the strange military-like uniform that was ripped up… it was Marco.

What to do what to do… I just stood there watching his back as he stared out over the city. I wondered briefly if where he had been before being in my dreams was anything like the city… probably not. But I was cut off wondering where he was from when I idiotically kicked the door with my bare foot as I shuffled closer. "shit." I cursed under my breath and looked down at my skinned toe. I should disinfect that. But I didn't give it much thought as I heard movement.

When I had heard the bang from behind me I had frozen, I wasn't alone. With a gulp of fright I turned around stiffly and my eye locked with familiar light brown ones… my heart, I felt it. It started to beat and though it ached so painfully that my hand shook I never wanted it to stop pounding. Tears ran down my face and I smiled. It was him, Jean…I had found you.

I dropped to my knees as my body shook, I didn't care, I was too busy thanking whatever force had brought me there. Jean was alive, he looked a little taller than I remembered but that was the only difference. He ran over to me the moment I fell and grabbed me by my shoulders "H-Hey, are you alright? Do you want me to call an ambulance?" I looked up at him and smiled as best as I could but I felt like I was about to faint "Jean. Thank you."

I found myself back in the white, laying on my side. I sat up quickly and chocked on blood that spilled out of my mouth. No…I had just gotten back! You can't just show me what I had been searching for-what I had been longing for- and then rip him away… I stared down at the cold floor and a smile crept into the corner of my lips as twisted as it was I thought out into the white void "At least my heart is still pounding." I sat there listening to it while it played it's song all around me "just close you're eyes…and listen." the voice of the fog whispered, a small high pitch voice… that of a little girl. And with a nod I listened to her. The pain grew less and less until I didn't feel anything. I was back in the dark.

"Marco! Marco!" I yelled but he didn't open his eyes, I laid him down and listened on his chest for a heart beat… "Come on, stay with me…" there it was. Very faint but there was a heart beat! I lifted him up as I did the night before and carried him quickly to the couch. Nervously my fingers ran through my hair. What should I do? Should I call the police now? What if this was just a hallucination? I quickly dialed Eren back and he picked up on the first ring "Hey-" "Eren… d-did I just talk to you? Couple of minutes ago?" he paused and I started taking Marco's bloody clothes off "Hey…? Are you okay? Did someone really break in?"

I moved the phone to my shoulder as I undid his button down franticly "S-Sorry about that- listen, change of planes… I can't come over today, but maybe tomorrow?" I threw the shirt to the side and almost gagged "Yeah… whatever, it's not like I even wanted you to come over so… bye." I didn't care if Eren was brooding. I hung up and stared down at Marco in disbelief. The right side, it looked like someone had held him over a cheese grader and when they had their fun, they left him to rot…. But that's the thing. He should've been dead, he was missing half his organs his lever was only half there, gallbladder gone. He was lucky his heart missed whatever hacking he had gotten.

Even after seeing so many patients in horrible condition, nothing ever to the level Marco was suffering and I couldn't continue to examine him, because I couldn't help him. He was the reason I became a surgeon; to help people like him… and I couldn't help him. I picked up the book on the coffee table and smacked it as hard as I could against my forehead. "Damnit!" but I didn't let myself get lots, I recomposed myself and headed for the kitchen to get the medical kit. I figured, if he had held on this far, he could pull through and I would stay by him until he was okay.

My hands weren't shaking anymore as I wrapped the gauze around him gently, I cut his pants off and dressed him in a pair my underwear and covered him with a bed sheet. It reminded me of watching my dad on his death bed when I was little, the uncertainty and false hope you get from watching them sleep peacefully. Even if I didn't even know if he was real, I cried as I sat on the floor by him. "Marco. You have to wake up, fight for you're life… and don't you dare give up."

I gasped for air as I woke up. I had woken up? I couldn't move though, something heavy was on me but I turned my head as I heard a shuffle from a different room "Marco?" it was Jean, he came running into the room with a look of surprise and relief. "Hello." was all I said, I didn't really remember all that much still. Did he remember me? Obviously, he knew me by name and looked like he was concerned about me was he came to my side. He lifted the blankets off me and I felt a bit embarrassed when I saw that I was only in blue shorts. "Amazing…" he mumbled as he sat the sheet back down then looked to my face.

My face felt hot and I looked away slightly "I-I mean! y-you're not bleeding! Amazing!" this seemed some what familiar and I felt my heart ache again. The room grew quiet for a moment before Jean looked back at me seriously "Marco… who are you?" I smiled and patted my chest where my heart was as it seemed to throw it's self as hard as it could against my jagged ribs. Maybe it wanted to break? But I kept on smiling "I was actually hoping you could tell me that…" I laid my head down onto the pillow and glanced out to the balcony, it was dark out. It had seemed only minutes in the dark… like dreaming.

Jean stood and I looked up to him, he looked determined as he held his hand out to me "Well, my name is Jean Kirschtein…." I shook his hand "My name is Marco…err… Blot? Bold?" "Bodt." I looked at him surprised and he just shrugged "I've known that name ever sense I can I remember… I don't know how or why… but…" he leaned in with a slight blush "I've been watching you… that white place… just walking." I almost choked on my spit in surprise and he looked away "In my dreams."

I looked away from his face, urg… I probably sounded like an insane creep. But then, he laughed. How on earth could he laugh? But I just watched him as he just let out all his humorous feelings, it was… something. I don't know, but hearing him laugh made me feel a lot better… finally he calmed down enough to speak "I-I'm Sorry… I was just thinking about…old times." now I was confused. But I could see that his eye lid drooping so I didn't want to crowed him with question when he was tired .

I stood and stretched with a yawn "Well… I'm glad to have finally met you in person. You should rest up." Marco looked as if he wanted to say something and I waited for him but after a few moments he smiled again "You're right, good night, Jean. Thanks for everything." I nodded and smiled back "'Night, Marco. If you need anything just call for me, I'm just down that hall." I pointed to the hallway and he nodded "Okay, Thank you."

I watched him turn off the lights and head down the hall until he turned into a different room and close the door. Jean…. Feeling my bandages along my face and down to where my shoulder should be, I wish I could've told him right then, when I hesitated…. But he didn't remember the 'Marco Bodt' I use to be like I remembered him….

"Jean! Wait up! " I called as I pushed my way through the crowd. Jean had stopped and waited "Marco, you have to shove your way through a crowd like this." I scratch my cheek embarrassedly "Sorry… but don't you think it's a little mean to push and shove?" Jean pointed at me accusingly "You're just too nice, Marco!" he laughed. "But If you don't want to, then you better hold onto my sleeve. If we get separated here it could be days before we find each other." I nodded and held his sleeve and he did all the pushing. We made it to the other side and gave a sigh of relief "For a moment there, I thought I had lost you, Jean." he laughed "Hey, but we made it through."

Just then Sasha and Connie popped up on either side of us "What's this? A lovely couple out for a stroll?" Sasha asked slyly Jean blushed and pushed her off his shoulder "Wha-!? N-no! where'd you get that idea?" Connie was beside me and grabbed up my hand that was no longer holding onto Jean's sleeve, but instead being held by Jean's own hand. The four of us were silent for a moment before Jean let go, his face a deep red "S-Sorry, Marco." I waved it off with a laugh "No, it was probably me, when I almost tripped." Connie sighed "You guys were holding hands." Sasha nodded seriously as she took another bit of her bread "No deceiving these eyes."

I smiled at the memory that had just came back and let myself fall asleep to the many strange noises of the city.

**Hope you find it good~ and reviews help speed my updating~ so... (hint hint)**


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